Life is to be Lived, Not Controlled

In the monologue for her song, “Ride,” Lana del Rey mentions the idea of an “inner indecisiveness.”   As someone who deems herself as an incredibly indecisive person, I heavily resonate with this phrase, hence making it the URL of this blog.  The best way I can describe inner indecisiveness is that it’s a feeling within oneself.  You constantly question:  Where to go? What to do? What’s the destination?  Only one person can figure these things out, but how can one do so when one has no clue where to start searching? 

I blame this on my parents.

I once read somewhere that all limitations are self-imposed.  But are they, really?  

There’s a great Banksy quote that pops up all the time that often leaves me tempted to hang it somewhere on our refrigerator.  He says, “A lot of parents will do anything for their kids except let them be themselves.”

That quote sums up my parents in a nutshell.

I’m not saying my parents strip me of my individuality or anything like that, but they definitely try to keep me in this bubble of safety in order to “protect” me from having “bad” experiences.  BUT, in order to grow as a human being, doesn’t the bad have to come with the good?

My parents need to know every single thing I do.  Where I go, who I’m with, what time I’ll be home, etc.  It’s as if they expect me to draw out a detailed map for the smallest outings, such as going to a movie with a friend on a Friday night.  And everything I do must have some sort of rationale behind it.  If there is no reason, there is no point.  Sometimes I want to hop the bus or train to New York so I can aimlessly walk around just to have a change in god damn scenery, but that is beyond comprehension of course.  And besides, going to the city… ALONE… during the DAY??? UNTHINKABLE!

My “problem” is that I have a major lust for life.  I want to see the world. I want to live! I’m in my 20’s now and soon enough I’ll have to be a real adult (I still haven’t fully grasped that concept yet…).  Isn’t this the prime time for me to be exploring life’s buffet?  I don’t want to wake up feeling like a gray blob of dullness each morning, I want to wake up with passion!

One of my professors today actually told us to “pick your passion(s)” while we have the chance.  She told us to travel, to put our trivial responsibilities on hold, to fully enjoy life while we can.  I wish my parents thought like that— anytime I start talking about those kinds of things, they think college has somehow brainwashed me. It has absolutely nothing to do with college, but it has everything to do with knowing there is a whole wide world of different opportunities and moments just waiting to be seized.

WIll I ever have control over my life? Sometimes I fear that my parents will never be able to understand that I so desperately need to find myself, to love myself, to start my journey.  Without control, I just feel powerless and defeated.